Oh yeah, I got myself a doctor’s appointment for Tuesday next week concerning my eating habits and state of mind. I got myself up and did it when I felt pretty much the worst about myself and now when I think I might be getting better again, I’m feeling if I shouldn’t go after all. I don’t know, I don’t want to take the time away from someone who needs it more than I do.
Trigger warning concerning food.
Though then again, this happens to me very often, pretty much every year, and it has nothing to do with polar night. I can have a shitty spring, summer, fall or winter, or even six months or a whole year. I don’t think that I have depression that needs medication, I have seen people who do and I don’t think I’m quite there yet myself. But my way of handling depressive feelings is not really healthy, if I lose my appetite and even on purpose starve myself and whoops before I know it I think I’m fat and want to die while I wilt and become a skeleton. I’ve been there once and don’t want to do that again, though I didn’t think I was sick at all then. I really don’t believe I’m anywhere near that point right now, (I’ve been able to eat some things these past few days again, though I feel like I don’t really want to anymore, because I don’t want to gain my weight back I’m sorry for being stupid and unattractive) so I obviously feel like I’m using the resources for no reason. But at the same time I’m still a bit scared. Luckily there are people who care and can talk some sense into me, that even if I felt better now, I still have this opportunity to talk with a professional who might be able to help and prevent things like this going any further in the future. So yeah, I’m going next week even if I’m feeling guilty. I just don’t want to talk about my ~feelings~ there because I know it’s going to drain me and tear me to bits, but I know they are so going to ask about it. Can I just… stop existing or something. I feel like I want to faint and stay that way until I’m just miraculously better.
This has been a vent. Once again. Sorry. Especially because I seriously know that reading this stuff is so not interesting and just stupid and depressing and people don’t want to know, I mean why would you. Seriously. I’m sorry and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m sorry for existinggggg and I can’t believe you guys, there’re almost 400 of you, even when I’m like this pathetic lump of failure and time and time again some of you still try to cheer me up. I mean, how is anyone supposed to be able to handle that without feeling a huge amount of gratitude. I’m tired and scared and sad and grateful. Sorry. Thanks. You’re awesome.